I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
