How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Randomize
