his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
