I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
Randomize
