nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
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