She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
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Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
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Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????