I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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