I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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