i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
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