I can't breathe out the right side of my face
Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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