How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
Randomize
