Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
