The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
This is the kind of period I feel I should name out of respect to the fact I might have just gotten lucky this time.....
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Randomize
