If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Randomize
