Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
This can only be settled by a dance off.
Randomize
