I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Randomize
