Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
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