I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
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