So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Randomize
