He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
