So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
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