the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Randomize
