You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
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