Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
third nipple confirmed
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
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