Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
