I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
You may now shotgun with the bride
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
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