i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
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