I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
Is her dick bigger than yours?
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
Randomize
