So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
Randomize
