if there is a rhyme for it it must be true
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
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