i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
