and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
Randomize