Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
Randomize
