Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
Randomize
