hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Randomize
