I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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