birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Drunk is a universal language darling
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
