i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
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