one word: firstdatebathroomanal
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
You are the jesus of drinking
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
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