When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
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