Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Drake has all the answers
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
Randomize
