I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
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then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
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Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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