I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
Randomize
