So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
Randomize
