I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
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