A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
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