Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
Randomize
