the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
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