he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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