My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
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