She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
Randomize
