I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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