I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
You ruined the universe
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
