his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
It's never too late to be topless.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
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